I keep hearing myself saying the words, “let it go.”
I have consistently been bothered when people have pointed this phrase in my direction through the years. It makes me feel invalidated. Yet, here I am… over and over and over, telling myself to “let it go.” Dramatically, I even take a deep breath and sort of push my hands away from my body when I think these words.
I tend to focus too intensely on the negative variables that come shimmying through my life. I zoom in on them and keep them in my focus. And then I act. I react. And bad feelings brew and overflow.
A week or so ago I watched a youtube video about self esteem. I did it after having the realization that my successes go unappreciated (by me) until someone else acknowledges them. Even something as dumb as a new outfit doesn’t seem so nice if I haven’t gotten a compliment from my husband. My thoughts and feeling often take a back seat to the opinions of other people and so I am hugely effected by the silences, the pauses and the negative feelings of my friends.
This, my friends, is self-imposed, manufactured bullshit.
So, I took a good, long, hard look at myself. I took a nice long look at my life and my choices and the actions and decisions that have gotten me to this place. I had the most incredible thing happen. I liked what I saw!!! I like who I am. I like what i look like. I love my husband and our relationship. And I think that my kids are the most beautiful, kindest, smartest, most creative kids that I’ve ever met (AND… they are spunky.) I like the freedom our family has and the values that we live by. I like the respect my husband and I have for each other and the sweet nature of our relationship, as well as loving the kind of parents that we’ve become. And I realize that our children are incredible, in part, because we work so hard together as parents.
And what surprised me about these realizations was that I do not feel lucky. Instead, I feel proud because none of this was the luck of the draw… I have worked very hard and made good choices and used my energy wisely. I have created the life that I want. And… I’m still doing it. My life is a beautiful work in progress.
Yet, every so often, some external thing will come into my frame and I will zoom in and fixate on it. Someone will hurt my feelings or inspire self-shame. It could be a stranger or it could be my best friend. What is important is that it is not ME.
And I am working on letting things go. I’m not sweating the little stuff (which requires a lot more of my energy than you might think.) I am unlearning this negative, critical trait and learning how to accept and appreciate what is good. Certainly, there will always be unfortunate things/people/circumstances in everyone’s life, but what I understand is that these negative things do not need or deserve my time. I am in charge of my life and I choose not to focus on them anymore.
“Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe
Jai guru deva om
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Jai guru deva”
-The Beatles
